A lot of people (myself included) have patterns of self-sabotaging / self-destructive behaviour and dysfunctional interpersonal behaviour. They undermine themselves and others through their actions, and just can’t seem to help themselves.

Many people these days come to us with a complex history of relationship disasters, beginning from an early age. Dealing with a range of people requiring help, I have an observation that I’d like to share.

Both self-destructive / self-sabotaging behaviour and dysfunctional interpersonal behaviour many times arise from coping mechanisms that people have developed to deal with emotional trauma.

Hurting people hurt people.

Identifying and trying to disarm this behaviour directly can be disastrous as it threatens to leave the person defenseless in the face of their underlying trauma. Our attempts to help the person need to go to a deeper level to help give them awareness of the deeper issue and provide them with the supportive framework that they will need to deal with that deeper emotional issue. When this is done, and the deeper issue has been resolved, the need for that coping mechanism will be removed and that behaviour can be retired.

Trying to change people’s behaviour without taking this into account will be ineffective at best, disastrous at worst.

Here’s the analogy: If someone is limping because they have a thorn in their foot, don’t try to get them stand up and walk straight - help them to get the thorn out. Walking straight will come from that, and that only.

The processes of sadhana-bhakti are indispensable in this, as they help to give a person the strength they need to work through it. Dealing with deeper issues in this way is important as it helps to make the personal interactions between practicing aspirants to devotional service harmonious. Otherwise the community will be filled with strife, and practice will be difficult.