Criticism arises out of frustration that we are unable to influence someone.
When people do not do what we want them to do, when they do not respond to our attempts to influence them, if we are not detached from the situation, our desire to modify their behaviour will manifest as criticism.
In the Art of Peace we never attack. An attack is proof that one is out of control.
- Morihei Ueshiba (founder of Aikido), Art of Peace
When we find ourselves criticizing someone else, we need to stop and look at what is going on.
First of all we need to admit: “I am criticizing this person because I want to change their behaviour, but I am unable to do so.”
We need to them objectively and dispassionately examine the situation: “Should I modify their behaviour? Or do I need to adjust my perception of the situation?”
“Is there something else in the situation I can change that means I no longer feel the need to change their behaviour?”
If we decide that we do indeed need to modify their behaviour, then we need to influence them. We cannot force anyone to do anything. People will do what they want.
Here is a secret. If people respect and appreciate you, then they will allow themselves to be influenced, modified, by you. People will respect and appreciate you if you respect and appreciate them.
Especially in a volunteer organization, influence is exerted across personal relationships. In a corporate environment influence may be exerted across a formal authority structure, but even there, if that’s all that is going on then the organization will not be very effective, and there will be low morale, customer dissatisfaction, and high staff turnover.
In order to exert influence across a personal relationship there needs to first of all be a personal relationship. Relationships are built on trust. Trust is preceded by trustworthiness. Trustworthiness takes time to demonstrate.
In volunteer organizations especially, but in all organizations in reality, personal relationships are the basis of the network. Influence is exerted over these relationships in a reciprocal manner, not in one direction. The strength of the relationship determines the amount of influence that can be exerted.
We have to touch people’s hearts before we ask for their hand.
